The senses are sharp, and the mind is focused. The arms are raised to protect against the blows. Jab jab boom! He goes to sleep, the fight is over.
He had it coming; he had to pay. His raging insults hit the spot. He knew what to say to spark the rage. The words demanded a reaction, and this is what he got.
Joy and satisfaction run through his veins. His victory is proof that words have consequences. He had to take action because the fire was unbearable, too much to ignore.
And it was not only him who listened. It was the world as well. So he had to prove himself to the world. He had to take the risk and fight.
The voices in our head
We always say we have to prove it to ourselves. But what we actually mean is that we have to prove it to the accuser in our heads.
You know, the little voice in our head that tells us we are worthless? We can’t kill it, we can’t fight it, we can scream and set the room on fire, but he never stops running his mouth.
This is the secret of all deception. We don’t have to prove anything to ourselves but everything to him. Because who knows, maybe, this time, it will be enough. Perhaps, this time, he will finally admit that I am worth something.
And he grants me this wish at times, doesn’t he? When I’m on top of my game, raising my head and hands to show the world my status. At that moment the tirades are over.
But let a few days pass; or hours. There he is again, proclaiming the woes of my failure and the tales of a bleak future. He’ll never give up, and he’ll always be there. I’ve played this game all my life. Nothing on the outside has put a stop to it.
So many of us can’t hear the voices anymore because we agreed with them a long time ago. They became a part of who we are. The rara is just a repetition of all the things we already see as truth. It’s a confirmation, nothing more.
We already believe we’re worth less than dust, repulsive creature with barely enough intelligence to put one foot in front of the other. The accusations still hurt, but well, it’s the truth we heard since day one.
So how do we live with this shame? How do you master life if any situation you walk in is already doomed?
Little bits of ‘should’
The accusations against ourselves start with insecurities; cracks in our self-esteem where our abilities are not up to the expectations we define.
“Other people are part of the mix as well” you might say. I agree with you, but they are not the ultimate judge. Their opinion can hurt but define us only if we allow it.
A guy might yell and shout and curse but in the end, he can’t set our internal standard. We have the final say in everything related to us.
We can adopt the madman’s perspective and agree with him. In that case, we destroyed our protection. The fortress can only fall from within.
The way we fight the feeling of inferiority is to demonstrate our superiority. Our success comforts our bleeding wounds for a short time as we sow destruction in the process.
Just think of bullies and mean bosses. Their aggression allows them to feel a little bit of worth in their lives. They feel like pathetic losers, but they have found an outlet.
We all found that destructive outlet. Whether it’s porn, sex, alcohol, binge-watching or gluttony, it’s all the same.
Mourning comes after tragedy and tragedy is far away from gratification. We don’t connect the dots when our soul’s blood is leaking all over the place.
It all comes together when it’s too late. We can see when there is no way back. And two questions arise: “What have I done?” and “Why did I do that?”
The devil on the shoulder
As a Christian, I believed the accusations came straight from hell. I believed demons were assigned to us who do the shouting and accusing.
Today, I’m not so sure about that anymore. I tried to bind the devil. I tried to pray and shout to the Lord to rid me of my pain but guess what? The little guy kept on talking.
I also looked at non-believers. I know we all have issues, but some struggle more than others. It didn’t seem that one could say Christians and especially believers in the supernatural are doing much better than others.
I think demons still play their part. It’s their job on this earth. They hate you for your resemblance of God and the honor he bestowed upon you.
We can’t take them out of the equation, but I think we give them to much credit. Remember the crumbling fortress? It can only be taken down from the inside.
Raised apart from destiny
Devils talk but I think that our souls do, too. These voices can be a part of our soul that believes what we have been taught.
What did you hear as a child? Did your dad affirm you or were you a bother? Was your dad your protector or did you need protection from him?
What about your mom? Was she a safe place? Could you talk about stuff with her? Would she judge you or brush off your problems as a child’s fantasy?
It only starts with your parents. Think of teachers, peers, and coaches, people in authorities and your dear pastor.
Oh, pastors of this world.
I want to believe
Your parents didn’t raise you as God intended. What you hear as a child has an impact on your life. What you could have was taken from you, and instead, you were given inner agony.
The inner voice, the hate towards yourself, the accusations and the blame.
It’s you saying those things.
It reflects what you were taught and what became the foundation of your identity.
Those lies create an imbalance between what you want to believe and what you actually believe. You are not sure of yourself. You’re insecure.
So what can I do?
Your childhood is over and with it the chance to build up a healthy self-esteem.
But that’s not the end of it. You still have control about what you believe. Things will not magically fall into place and you can’t will your beliefs away. But there are ways to move forward with this.
In the next post, we will take a look at how we can slowly chip away the lies and replace them with truth.